I stared at the fire for as long as I could until it was out of sight. Fire engines whipped past us moments later, a strange sense of finality, of reality, setting in. The fire engines seemed to bring everything back into where it rightfully belonged, even if some of those things obviously didn’t belong here. I turned around and sank back into the seat, closing my eyes and trying to steady my breathing. Everyone was silent in the car, the only audible sound that of our breathing and maybe our own hearts in our own heads. Before my mind could try to understand what just happened, Bond whipped around from the passenger side and screamed directly at me, “What the fuck just happened?”

I flinched and looked at him with a bewildered, critical look, said, “How the hell am I supposed to know?”

“Jesus, Amor, you look like hell, an-and we just ran away from that goddamned cult, and the building just exploded and those cult guys were going to kill us and then downstairs—what was going on downstairs, Ama?” Bond yelled, the words tumbling out of his mouth faster than he could make sense of them.

Feeling slightly overwhelmed from his perfectly logical reaction—probably all of our reactions—I bowed my head, placing my hands on either side as if I could physically contain the situation that has clearly gotten out of hand.

Yelling back, “I don’t know, Bond! I don’t know what just happened, okay?” I wanted to force the realization from setting in, rewind to just a few seconds before Bond brought everything crashing back into my lap. I wanted this to make sense, because before I could even think of making sense of any of it, it was already getting away from me, sprinting far beyond my reach and expanding further than my mind could actually process.

“That guy just like, brought me down there, and the place didn’t even seem real, then there was that guy who I’m pretty sure was John Jones’ fucking dead body then there was this monster and it tried to like possess me or something and I just, I don’t know, okay?” The words tumbled out, eager to take place before the next because this couldn’t possibly be a logical sentence, so there was no logical order to be taken. But there it was, the memory still fresh, that man’s blood still on my body, my hands and legs still sore from fighting for my life from a monster.

Bond stared at me with the crackling electricity of fear and helplessness, but I could still see and feel as his mind gently settled him, brought his sense back, and after another second, he said, “Fine, fine,” turned back around in his seat.

Jo pulled over a minute later, and she jumped out and vomited. Bond put his head in his hands, and I leaned my forehead on the back of the driver headrest, braced my hand on either side of the seat. My world was spinning and the silence in the car somehow threatened to push me completely over the edge, the last of my sanity, it felt like, hanging on by threads. Evelyn was stoic beside me. Jo was pacing outside. The sound of the traffic passing us by seemed to be the only thing that was real, and even that I didn’t want to hear because it just seemed like something that was worlds away from what had just happened. I forced myself to breathe through my nose and I leaned back in my seat, watching the sun crawl across the sky. It couldn’t have been any further past eleven, maybe twelve. That didn’t seem to make sense to me, but time wasn’t the first thing on my mind in that place.

I could feel part of my mind dissociating from me, from this event, from this reality I know lived, and it withdrew to the simple things. There was a quiet hum all around from the traffic coming from far places and going far places. I could feel it drumming quietly against my feet, against my body against the car if I was still enough. That made sense. Someone was probably off having lunch right now, meeting with an old friend or colleague, maybe ordering minestrone.

Minestrone was good.

In that vague restaurant where a nameless, faceless person met their equally ambiguous friend was where I wanted to be right then and there, not sitting in a car trying to glue together the parts of my world that made sense on the side of a highway, maybe five miles away from where the world stopped making sense.

Without warning, Jo ripped the door open beside me and yanked me out the car. She pushed me hard and said, “I did not sign up for this bullshit, Amor.”

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply, and I said, “Honestly, Jo, I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

She stared at me for a long moment, not saying anything but studying me in the early day sunlight. My face was still throbbing, and no doubt in the process of swelling up. Now that I was back in a place that could attempt to make sense, the beating I had taken—from a man—was settling in. A headache that took over my whole head was grounding itself neatly at the base of my skull, and in between that, fiery embers were dying down and something cold and heavy slowly began to take its place. Despite the chaotic whirlwind I had escaped, I was not more determined than before to get to the end of this.

There was an angel. I had seen her, had seen the wing on her back. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, so I looked at the car door instead. She sighed after another long moment and said, “I don’t know, either, Amor.”

I looked back up at her, feeling part of me resign itself and taking a definitive seat. I asked, “What do you want to do?”

She looked at me silently, then shook her head and said, “I don’t know. I want to go home and pretend this didn’t happen and go back to normal, but I probably can’t do that.”

“No, you can’t,” I responded mildly. There was no going back after this.

“What should we do, then, Ama?” she asked, huffing and turning her responsibility over to me. “It’s your call.”

I shrugged and looked off into the distance. Ironically, my stomach was completely empty, so I said, “I think we should get some food right now.”

Her face fell, and in a deadpan tone, she said, “Amor, are you serious?”

I looked back at her and tried to crack a wan smile. I answered back, “Yeah. Food makes sense. That shit show back there did not. We can sort things out from there, I guess. Figure out all of what happened, or at least get it all on the table so we’re on the same page.”

She shook her head and mumbled, “I guess,” sat back in the car.

“Someone want to GPS the nearest IHOP?” Jo asked.

“Got it,” Evelyn responded, pulling out her phone, which had miraculously stayed in place. I got the thought to check to see if mine was even still in my pocket, and lo and behold, miraculously it was. I saw I’d gotten a text from my mother, and I said I was spending the night with Jo.

 

Bond, Jo, and Evelyn had explained that while I was down in the basement, or whatever that place was, not long after I’d gone down there, they could hear me screaming and the monster, too. They panicked and were about to move, but the cult members were still holding them hostage, and then a minute after that, they heard a giant crash which sent a plume of dust up from the basement, and then smoke started to come up. Evelyn had taken the opportunity to take the gun from the cult member since she’d taken self-defense classes, and she shot one of them in the foot. Jo had head butt the other and shoved them away while they were distracted. Evelyn had then told them to get to the car while she ran down the stairs to get me.

“Man, that sounds great,” I said, exhaling.

“What do you mean?” Bond exclaimed.

“I mean. You’re really not going to believe what I’m going to say,” I said with a frown, and then I went on to explain what had happened. It hadn’t occurred to me that their idea of illogic wouldn’t be the same as mine in this situation. They all looked at me with a bewildered expression when I was finished.

“See? I told you,” I sighed, putting my head in my hands and letting the steam from my coffee roll over my face.

Everyone was silent for a moment, thinking over the information I’d just given them, and then looking down at his glass of water, Bond asked quietly, “Alright, so assuming you weren’t hallucinating or anything, what are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine,” I heaved, looking up at them all. Everyone was quiet again, and I made a face, feeling a decision set itself in place.

“Look,” I said assertively, “We all know this is dangerous now. Regardless of whether what happened in that place was real or not, those cult dudes were definitely going to hurt you guys.” I paused, letting what I said sink in. No one said anything, so I continued slowly, trying to formulate the thought that was true to how I felt.

“I don’t think I can just go back. I need to do this for myself, at this point. I need to keep going and figure out what the hell is going on with this,” I pointed at my face, where the triangle was now had dropped to an almost brick color, “and what happened in the basement and what’s going on with these things in my life. I have to. If I don’t, I’m pretty sure it’s not just going to be all rainbows and daisies when we get back.”

“What are you saying, Ama?” Evelyn asked.

“I’m saying that you guys can go home if you don’t want to do this with me. I won’t be mad. Actually, I’d feel better knowing you guys were at home and safe, but honestly, this is scary, and I don’t really want to do it alone, but obviously I can’t outright ask you to put yourself in harm’s way. So I’m just throwing that out there. You can stay and see this thing through with me, or you guys can go home and be safe.”

“Idiot, I’m staying,” Bond said immediately, looking up at me with a hard look in his eye. I blinked in surprise. I was taken aback a second, and Jo followed, “Yeah, I’m obviously going with you, too. Can’t have you just up and die without us.”

“I’m staying, too, dude. I can’t imagine how scary this must be for you. It’s only right, ya know?” Evelyn offered. I looked at them all for a couple of moments, and tears unexpectedly began to well.

“Goddamn, you guys,” I said, looking up and quickly wiping at my eyes. “Okay, fine, cool, but none of you are allowed to die.”

“Fine, neither are you,” Bond shot back, answering for them all, and I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped my mouth as the waitress finally brought up our food.

“You’ve got some good friends,” Madison spoke in the back of my head, a smile in her voice.

“Yeah, I really do,” I answered back underneath my breath, a small smile creeping across my face, but I could almost feel Madison keeping back a comment. I already knew what it was, but I chose not to think about it.

 

We all managed to find a motel nearby that would allow us to book for a night, but we had to play it slyly. Bond’s parents monitored his purchases whereas mine kept an eye on them. I might be able to play it off as if someone had stolen the card information, but I didn’t want to risk it biting me later. Evelyn was the youngest, so Jo rented out the room. There was a single bed that she and I shared. Bond let Evelyn have the chair, and he set up camp on the ground. We didn’t talk much and kept the shades closed. We were all very exhausted and no doubt traumatized from what had happened that day, but they’d all decided to stay with me. I could really only hope that it couldn’t get any worse. I really just wished I’d been strong enough to do it myself so I wouldn’t have to hope that nothing worse came to them.

I felt so weak and cowardly.

I stayed awake for a very long time, until I was certain everyone had surely fallen asleep. We’d all been thoroughly exhausted, I just couldn’t turn my brain off. A curious thought hit me, probably to help normalize everything, and I spoke up in the darkness, “Hey Evelyn?”

“What’s up?” she asked.

“Why were you on the highway this morning?”

She took another second to respond back, but she finally said, “I was crashing at that guy’s house, and I guess he gets real crazy when someone suddenly wakes him up.”

“So he beat you?” I exclaimed, sitting up in the bed.

“He got a few hits in, but I managed to knock him out,” she snickered softly. “Hey, don’t worry about me, okay? This is your adventure. We have to stick together and help you.”

“Don’t say it like that,” I whined softly. “It might not even be like that.”

“We’re here now. We at least have to stick together. We got your back, man, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Get some sleep. We have to get to the next chapter tomorrow.”

“Okay. Man, to think that just this morning we were just normal kids. Isn’t that crazy?”

“The world’s a crazy place, man.”

“This is beyond crazy, dude. This is, like, straight up storybook.”

She snickered, said, “Yeah. It’s an epic.”

“I hope there’s a good ending.”

“Me, too.”

“Get some sleep, girl.”

“Alright, good night, Evelyn.”

“Good night, Ama.”

I let my mind meander on better times, about this morning, about yesterday, about when I last saw Vance. Vance . . . I missed him. Part of me almost ached for his company. I wondered what he was doing. He’d sent me a text some time ago, but I was still recovering from the day’s events and trying to deal with it all, cope with the danger we seemed to be heading toward. Everything felt with him normal with him. Not really normal actually; more like everything was put in place from there, where they all belonged.

I let myself miss him, my chest aching, crushed by the distance that I could feel growing. Vance made things alright, and I knew if I heard his voice then, that things would be okay, but I chose not to call him because I didn’t want to lie to myself. Despite how fine he made everything feel, that was just how things were feeling. It wasn’t how it was, and how it was, was a serious shit show of “What the hell is going on? I don’t know, let’s wing it!”

Thoughts of him drifted back in. Thoughts of him brought me slowly to the safe harbor of sleep and unconsciousness.

I couldn’t get a break even in my dreams. I was in a cavern, the same cavern that angel– who I could now confirm was real—had killed me in before. My heart began to beat as I looked around anxiously. Remembering the last few times I found myself here, I wasn’t excited for the impending outcome, but she didn’t appear to be there. It was only me in the darkness. I fumbled around slightly, feeling with my feet for a steady foothold. Silently, a cool light blossomed before me from the ground, about thirty feet away. I raised a hand to cover my eyes, the light growing bright for a moment before dying down. I looked over at it cautiously, inched my way forward and peered down at it. The light came from a large hole in the ground. I walked toward it carefully, keeping my eyes darting all around the cave to make sure she wasn’t anywhere to be seen. At the edge of the hole, I found that it seemed to be whispering quietly, and I leaned in closer to hear what it said. It was then that I saw a shadowy figure on the other side of the hole, sitting down with a leg folded beneath them.

I flinched upon recognizing their presence, and they held up a hand silently. I stared at them, my body frozen and motionless as my heart pounded harder in my chest.

“I will not hurt you,” they said. It was a man’s voice, and it sounded very familiar, but somehow off. There seemed something old and primal in his voice, and he had a slight accent, of which I couldn’t exactly put my finger on.

“Hello,” he said. He gestured with the same hand for me to sit where I stood. Gingerly, I folded my legs beneath me and stared on towards him. We sat in silence for a few moments. He seemed to be looking down into the hole, and I was looking at him.

“You have been here before, have you not?” he asked.

“I–” I stammered. My voice cracked, and I cleared it, continued, “I have.”

“She doesn’t like when people are here,” he said with a low chuckle. It wasn’t a malicious or foreboding chuckle. It was reminiscent and sad, almost.

“Yes, I noticed,” I murmured.

He chuckled again, said, “Yes. Yes, you have.”

“Why am I here?” I asked after a few more moments.

“Because she is not,” he answered. He raised his head, and his eyes glowed a light blue in the darkness. He looked down at the hole, and continued, “You are not the first one to appear here. You have all come here for the same thing.”

“The same thing?”

“Yes,” he responded. “Everything you have been seeking, that you wish to know, that you will search for in the future, is right here.”

“Right here?” He raised a hand and gestured to the hole, said, “Everything you are looking for is right here.”
I didn’t know the expression on my face, but he gestured towards the hole again, beckoning me to peer in and take a look, listen more closely to what it spoke. Slowly, I leaned over the side to look in, but it was then that she came roaring in, screaming at the top of her lungs for me to leave as she grabbed me by my shirt and threw me backward. The man seemed to blink out of existence just before she presented herself to me. Breathless and pinned to the wall, she was a glowing figure, caught on fire. Her eyes burned with a rage I’d never understand, and she was before me now, howling with unbridled terror.

“Get out,” she bellowed, shoving a fist through my chest. This was a new pain landmark for me. So far, the worst I ever had to experience.

I bolted upright in the bed, gasping for air, and Jo jumped up beside me, “What, what is it?”

I rubbed my chest carefully, said, “Bad dream.”

“Again?” she tasked. “Girl, you need help.”

“I highly doubt bad dreams is at the top of my list of things to get help for,” I said blandly, falling back against the bed. I turned my head to look out of the window. It was still dark and covered, but I could just see past the crack to see pale morning light creeping in. My vision was mildly distorted, and I recognized it as wearing the wrong prescription. Making a face to myself, I pulled out the contacts, feeling the odd sensation of peeling dry contacts off of your eyes. Blinking my eyes back into comfort, I wondered vaguely when I’d stopped needing my glasses. I could see almost startlingly clear now, and I hated it. Despite the hassle of crap vision, I used it to my psychological benefit. If the world blurred out of view, I could blur it from my immediate mind. And now here I was, got damn clear vision.

I glanced at the clock, and it said it was about six in the morning. I was still within the gravity of sleep, so I let myself slip away and back in. This time, I didn’t dream.

 

“Alright, where are we off to?” Evelyn asked as we all got ready for the day. Thankfully, I’d always stocked my car with toiletries, and Evelyn already had a bag packed from her stay with that man. We were all able to look and smell at least somewhat decent.

I sighed and said, “I guess we’re off to an actual Azelian cult.”

“You don’t think they were an Azelian cult?” Jo asked.

“No, man. The freakin’ monster they had down there was a straight up demon. And on top of that, I’m pretty sure that John Jones dude was the same dude who led that mass Jonestown suicide,” I scoffed.

“Jonestown suicide?” Bond asked.

“Yeah. John Jones also led an Azelian cult and he convinced a bunch of people to kill themselves. You ever hear about that phrase ‘Drink the Kool-Aid’?”

“Eh, kind of, not really,” he shrugged.

I shook my head and said, “Regardless, he was a pretty messed up guy and killed a bunch of people, so, no, I don’t think they were a true Azelian cult.”

“What’s the next closest one, then?”

“Looks like . . . another three hours,” I groaned, staring at my phone.

“Ah, dude,” Evelyn muttered.

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” I grumbled.

“Be careful,” Madison echoed in my head. I glanced up at everyone. They of course wouldn’t care if I suddenly went to the bathroom. They couldn’t hear the voices in my head. I shook my head to myself, thinking how I’d never thought I’d actually say or think those exact words. I glanced up at them again, and Evelyn had an odd look on her face. Sticking my tongue out at her, I retreated to the bathroom.

“What are you talking about?” I asked quietly. Madison was standing in the mirror then, and she said, “Well, none of us have gotten this far before, actually.”

I froze, asked, “What do you mean?”

“After running into the clandestine cults, we normally just turn back. We don’t really keep pushing on, because it’s all the same situation someway somehow. What you saw was some seriously crazy stuff, Ama,” Madison responded, a note of admiration in her voice. “We’ve all seen some pretty disturbing stuff from these clandestine cults before, but that was some next level, nightmare stuff. And you’re still going for it.”

“I have to know what’s going on,” I shrugged. “Besides, I’m pretty sure it won’t all just go back to normal after this, right?”

“No, you’re right. It doesn’t go back to normal,” she said flatly, crossing her arms and looking down at her feet. She looked back up at me and stared at me with intense eyes. She said, “Someone is still going to try to kill you soon, Ama, and I have no idea who it is. We never know who it is.”

I made a face at her and asked, “So I’m living a life as a player who always dies at this same level.”

“Ama, it’s not just a game. We all technically come back as someone else, but you still end up dying,” she said sternly. I looked at her, not knowing how to digest the information she gave me or how to process it. She just sighed and gave me a sad look with those ocean blue eyes.

After a few moments, she said, “Whatever you need to do to deal with this reality, just do it. I know it’s crazy. Everything only makes sense after you’ve died, but by that time, there’s nothing you can do. We need to you live and see this through to the end. You have to end this cycle for all of us, because if you die here, someone else is going to take your place, and it’s going to be the same thing all over again.”

I turned on the water and washed my hands, said, “I’m not exactly in the business of dying, right now. If this is a game, I’m going to win.”

She sighed and shook her head with a smirk, said, “Atta girl.”